Fatty Foods and Comfortable Shoes

The life of an Amazon

Always late.
Wow. I've missed a lot.

Worth at least a thousand
I have a picture of a boy.
A boy in uniform and in action.
It's a great shot, and frankly a man in uniform turns my crank.
But... an action shot means someone's life was in danger.
And I feel... funny about... liking something like that.

If you like a wo/man in uniform, I can put this into a meaningful context, but otherwise I am at a loss for words right now.

Where does this time go
Early this week I realized that I'd let my tubal anniversary ("birthday" doesn't seem like the appropriate word) go by without recognition.

Not that it's a particularly momentous occasion, not really, but that's kind of the point.

Four years ago that surgery was the biggest thing to have happened in my life. It was important and traumatic, and I used to think about it all of the time. I've devoted hundreds and hundreds of words to that experience, here and elsewhere, and this year I just forgot about it.

I'm not sure if that means I'm getting more mature, or just more forgetful. Maybe both?

I guess as I approach one of the magical child-related ages, I'm more prone to thinking about how much comfort those two little clips have given me over the years, how I was both lucky to have an easy enough time getting them and how it's not right that there are women all over the world who don't have my kind of access to these services, but mostly how I absolutely do not regret it.

I really can't say that enough. I do not, and never have, regretted my choice to be childfree, nor the steps I've taken to ensure I stay that way.
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Fuckin' A.
I have probably taken this before, but fuck it. I was looking for some lighthearted diversions.

Your results:
You are Jean-Luc Picard
Jean-Luc Picard
James T. Kirk (Captain)
Will Riker
An Expendable Character (Redshirt)
Geordi LaForge
Mr. Scott
Leonard McCoy (Bones)
Beverly Crusher
Deanna Troi
Mr. Sulu
A lover of Shakespeare and other
fine literature. You have a decisive mind
and a firm hand in dealing with others.

Click here to take the "Which Star Trek character am I?" quiz...

You are goddamn right I am more red shirt than Troi.
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Here we go.
I've found my next over-descriptive and unapologetically navel gazing entry (ETA: series of entries).

As if I have to warn you that it will take longer than ten days.
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And now a message from our sponsors.
You know, I didn't even get to the part about the drugs.

There are a couple of reasons for this.

1. That post was getting pretty long, and because I tend to be descriptive I thought it was a good break in the story.

2. That weekend I managed to obtain a stalker. That's a pretty fun story (erm...) so I'm not sure which to go with first.

Fly in the Eye
I feel like I should have a good update here, but things are complicated and I'm on percocets.

My internet is cutting in and out.


You know...
I would try this "free 30-day paid account trial" that I keep seeing ads about, except


I don't mean the litte side or top ads, either. I figured those would come sooner or later. But the pop-up ads? FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!

We haven't talked out in the open for a while. How you been?

Happy Anniversary
Six Years.

I've had this thing six years as of today.

A lot has changed.

Life has been a shitshow. Have been without regular internet for about a month.

More soon.

It took me 80 days to complete the 30 day meme.

Now, I could have shaved a good 15 or so off of there, but I decided to more or less stick to one post a day.

So! It seems that we shall return to silly quizzes, angry rants, and drunken slurfests oh so shortly!

Didn't I already cover this? I guess I should have gone with the literal dream thing, afterall.

This has been day 29 of 30.
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Missing you...
I miss the people from South Keys.

Very seriously the best group of friends I've ever had.

This has been day 28 of 30.
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My Favourite Place
I don't think I have a favourite place.

I mean, I guess in general the answer would be "a warm, sunny beach", and it wouldn't matter where that beach is, exactly.

But specifically? I can't think of a single place that calls to me above all others.

This has been day 27 of 30.
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I'll decide on something one day. Maybe.
So, I changed up the layout for my little internet corner. Again.

I liked the pretty pretty purple that I was using before, but it was a fucking bitch for displaying photos and videos. I'm not super happy with this one either, but it didn't take me a long time to find it, and it's a little friendlier layout-wise.

If you're like me, you don't even notice because you're reading this on your f-list. So... carry on then.

Guaranteed Cryface
O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!

From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

I admit it. It is all but impossible for me to get through our National Anthem without getting a little teary-eyed.

And this. People, if you do not fucking cry while and after watching this, you are probably a monster. It's the closing scene from Six Feet Under, so if you don't want that spoiled for you, I'll forgive you for not watching.

Grab a tissue.

This has been day 24 of 30.
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There there. Isn't that better?
There are two things that make me feel better, actually.

Cooking. Especially if there is a lot of prep work. I find that I have to concentrate on the task at hand (lest I lose a finger) just enough that I'm generally distracted from whatever might be bothering me.

Physical activity. Not the euphemism kind. Rollerblading is just fucking super for getting good and tired. Badminton is good for hitting things. I try not to play disc golf if I'm in a shitty mood, because I just end up feeling shittier at the end of it.

Ok, I lied, there is one other thing. A good, long hug.

This has been day 23 of 30.
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Well shit.
My home PC has crapped out. Theoretically, I just need to do the whatever with the original Windows CD (technical, I know), but Lords of Kobol help me, as if I know where that is.

So I am faced with a dilemma.

Should I double up on some of the meme entries (because I actually have some written in advance), or should I just wait until after the weekend to post more?

I mean, I know this is taking forever anyway, but I'm just kind of thinking this one out out loud. As it were.

Spirit Day
Originally posted by neo_prodigy at Spirit Day

It’s been decided. On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honor of the 6 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes at at their schools. Purple represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you and respect you for who you are, no matter your sexuality. Please wear purple on October 20th. Tell your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and schools.

RIP Tyler Clementi, Seth Walsh (top)
RIP Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase (middle)
RIP Asher Brown and Billy Lucas. (bottom)

REBLOG to spread a message of love, unity and peace.

Those mittens:
Second attempt. on Twitpic
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Late late late
I am having a bitch of a time with this "what you are wearing" day thing.

This is because most days I wear between three and four outfits (pre-shower, work, after work, physical activity). The one day I came closest to actually typing it all out, I forgot to email myself the damn write-up. Whoopsies.

In other news, I'm going to Toronto this weekend!

The Definition of Love
In short: it's a complete clusterfuck.

Look. I think about this a lot. More than I should, probably.

Love seems so simple, on the surface. When you're in it, you know.

It's when you're not that things get more complicated.

I mean, let's say you're dating someone. You think about them all the time, you want to be around them almost all of the time, you'd do just about anything for that person. But love? Do you love them? It looks like it from the outside, but maybe you don't feel it.

Yeah, I'm referencing the big bad breakup. Sue me.

So. back to the definition.

To me, love is:

That crazy fluttery feeling you get in your chest when you think about that person.
The intense and almost constant need for physical contact with that person.
That moment when you consider the other's needs before your own.
Identifying with stupid love songs on the radio.
Trusting someone with your true opinions.
That moment when he runs his hands up your face and into your hair.
Sincerely wishing success and happiness for another, even if it is at your expense.
Trying never to part ways in anger.
Closing your eyes for soft kiss on the head, and opening them to find that he closed his too.

I think you can have all of these and still not be in love. I think you can be in love without any of these things. I think my idea of love is too tied up with the physical to work for other people.

I don't think you can define love for someone else. Anyone else.

This has been day 05 of 30.
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I'd like to say that I won't drink too much and say too much ever again.

But we all know that isn't true.

30 Day Meme
I didn't include this before I started, so here you go:

Day 01 - Introduction
Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 – Your day, in great detail
Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 – A moment, in great detail
Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 – Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 – What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 – This week, in great detail
Day 14 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 – Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 – Your favourite memory, in great detail
Day 18 – Your favourite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 – This month, in great detail
Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 – A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favourite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail
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Written August 16
This morning I found a rain-soaked wallet in the middle of my walking path. It was partially open, cards and little pictures were strewn all around it. My first thought was that someone had dropped it while cycling (the path is one of those paved Ottawa trail things), but then I realized that it could also have been stolen and then ditched once emptied of cash. I hoped for the former.

I took the wallet to work, and laid it and the photos and various business cards out on my floor so that they could dry out a bit. I looked through some of the cards to determine the owner. (There were some cards with different names on them, like a family calling card, two different school IDs, etc.)

Well, I found the girl and sent her a message on facebook. She asked me to call her house, and I spoke with her mother. Obviously they were relieved that the wallet had been found. It turned out that the poor girl had her car broken into last night. The thieves took everything out of the car. Even worse, she had her G road test today. (For those of you non-Ontarians, this is the last test to get your full drivers licence. It takes FOREVER to get your appointment and it's pretty stressful.)

The girl and her mother came by my office this morning to pick up the wallet. I was worried about her still having to take the test, which seems kind of silly because we are perfect strangers, and I'd never see or hear from her again. In any event, I hoped she would pass.

Well, after lunch her mom called me again. They were in the lobby, and had something to drop off for me.

The girl gave me a nice thank you note, and inside was a Tims Card. Melt my heart. She gave me a hug too. Such a nice girl!

The best news: she passed her test! Hooray!

I thought this was cool

I write like
Stephen King

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!


Thank you, neighbours
...for having a sex party.

Especially because there were at least three people, shouting, and spanking.

Thank you

Happy Canada Day!
I hope you all have a fabulous Canada Day!

Writer's Block: Prone to puns
How would you describe your sense of humor in six words or less?

Why?  Cuz  fuck 'em, that's why.

My morning so far.
So, I have these for-donation clothes that have been sitting next to my dresser for a long time, and I finally put them in a bag. I brought them into the storage room so they'd be out of the way. While I was in there, I remembered that there is some other stuff in there that I want to give away.

Things are piled pretty high in this room, mostly in boxes, but still. So I put the bag of clothes on top of the one moderately-sized pile, making it come to chest level. I took the top box off of the highest pile, which is higher than my head. I grab the bottom, sliiiide it forward, get a better grip on the box and rest it on the pile of clothes.

I search through the box of nick knacks, have a couple of fond memories, and take out what I need. I close the box back up, and start to arrange it back in its place.

Except the tower start to tilt a little. Then a little bit more. It's all going to fall over! I kind of reach around the boxes as high as I can, trying to slide them back into balance.

But then a pile next to me starts to tilt away. It seems that my bag of clothes sort of slumped against it and sent it off balance. I lunge for that pile, but the taller one really starts to go.

I just grab the lid on an upper box (third from the top), and I get hold of the top of the other pile. I'm trying to work these damn things in toward me, but they are ever so slowly moving out. These boxes are going to crash all around me and I won't really be able to do anything about it.

Now, I have company in the other room, so I call out a bit. You know, just a little louder than speaking? "Can somebody help me, please?"

I wait a few beats, but get no response. The boxes slide out a bit. The guests must be downstairs, dammit.

I turn my head toward the doorway (the boxes slide out), and yell for help. "Somebody help me PLEASE!"

Those damn boxes are teetering. The highest pile just tilted too far, I can't grab it properly.

And then my alarm goes off.

People Suck.
I just got back from the grocery store.

This old man followed me about a third of the time I was there. Not continuously, but a good ten minutes of my 30 minute trip. At first I thought he was just browsing the same aisles as me, but I would stop, move forward a bit, double back... and he would mimic my moves exactly. He stayed within two feet of me while in follow mode.

Did I mention he was old and dirty and homeless looking?

Finally, just as I was grabbing my last item, he almost ran into me (because I was really indicisive and was moving around kind of funny). So I spoke to him like I would the screaming child from down my hall.

Look. If you are doing this on purpose I want you to stop. Right. Now.

He did, but I was still really uneasy and kept looking over my shoulder on my way home.

Well guys. I have finished my wine classes. I just need to get my final marks and then there will be a graduation dinner in June... and I'll be an official sommelier.

Gods. It's such a relief.

I mean, I think I've been at this for two and a half years.

Which brings me to this:

A classmate of mine worked it out that we've tried "600+" product over this time.

This is just the in-class stuff. And doesn't count the beers (he hasn't done that class) or the goodies that people bring in as the courses go on.

So basically, I could post every dayt one product that I've actually had... and not be done for at least two years.

I will be dedicating my certificate to my liver.

I just got (or noticed) the top-up of my annual leave, and I totally want to go to Vegas.

Excellent Viewing
Stephen Fry on the Catholic Church

Part 1

Part 2

New Pretties
These came in the mail today. They look even more amazing in real life.

Good fortune


Deep Thoughts
barely a cloth

It seems kind of silly to keep a dish cloth that is more hole than cloth, right?

I use this particular cloth to clean my Wüsthof knives. Those babies cut the shit out of everything, so why ruin my good cloths?

Drunken RB
A couple of minutes ago, I was playing rockband. I was playing bass and vocals, which means I was wheeeeehhh whheeeeeeeehing for a bunch of the time. Unfortunately I forgot to mute my headset. Some 13 year old kid made fun of my singing. So I quit.

Fuck yeah I'm a grown up.


And the Beat Goes On
It's really not my week.

Last night I finished up with badminton, and a few of the other players and I went to the pub for a beer. I sat down, checked my pockets to make sure nothing had fallen out, and what fresh hell is this? The key for the rental car is not in there.

So I emptied my pockets on the table. I checked my purse. I checked my bag. I dumped my purse on the table and re-checked my pockets. I took everything out of my bag. No key. So I walked around the bar, then re-traced my steps back to the badminton place. No key.

I get back in the bar, make another check of the floor (no key); the boys are going through my bag and purse. No key.


So I make it a two beer night, and then I call the rental's roadside assistance thing (press 1 for lost key). That will be $200 for a new key.

Christ on a stick.

Finally the tow truck comes, loads up the car, and bless the driver's heart he agrees to drop me off near my house (it was on his way). I am pretty sure the driver is going to get a traffic violation notice in the mail in the next few days, because he blew through a yellow light and the telltale camera flasheswent off like crazy. So he's not having a good week either, it seems.

Anyway, a little after 1am and finally I am rolling in the door. I toss my sweater on the couch, my racquet on a chair, my shoes in the closet, and I dump my bag out on the floor.

Oh my sweet jiminiy jeezus it's the motherfucking key.

Call back the roadside people, who put a note on/close the ticket, and they tell me to call the branch "first thing in the morning". I'm sure the call desk people think I'm retarded (they would not be completely unfounded in this assumption). Instead of trying to guess when the rental branch opens, I just call right away and leave a message.

So now here I am, writing this up for the world's amusement. In a little while I will shower, then call the rental company, who will drive me out to the dealership so that I can re pick up the car.

If you don't hear back from me in the next few days, keep an eye out for new stories about meteorites or something.
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Lords Help Me
I have somehow managed to lose a brand-new sports bra.

It took me six months to work up the will to shop for that fucking thing!!!!!

It's just about 1:30 right now. I'm sitting at home, writing on the internet and drinking a beer. Why? I'll tell you why.

To start, I took the afternoon off to go to the dentist. I take a whole afternoon because my dentist is three hours from where I live. (I've had the same dentist my whole life, so I haven't wanted to make the change) My appointment was for 3:00pm, so I left the office at about noon.

Long story short, while waiting at a stop light, the car in front of me backed into my car. Not like a little nudge. The fucking cunt was a good car length and a half in front of me, and she used that whole space to accelerate right into me. Actually, she kept going for a couple of seconds, which pushed my car into the car behind me.

I was laying on the horn the whole time she was moving (I could see the reverse lights on before the light turned green), a little bit after, and then when she hit me and kept going I screamed like a girl.

I traded contact info with the guy who was behind me (his car was fine), and tried to do that with the cunt who hit me, but her insurance info was "with her husband". Yeah, I was real confident about that.

So I took a picture of her licence plate and her driver's licence. I took down her name (because I didn't actually read the licence), phone numbers and went home. I had been planning to keep my dentist appointment right until I sat back in the car. I got home and cancelled the appointment, then called the insurance people.

Then the bitch's husband called me. Basically, he spent fifteen of my minutes begging me not to call my insurance because, oh yes, they don't have any insurance. "This would be a big problem" he says. Not my problem is the way I had to go to get him to shut the fuck up.

So yeah. Here I am, still kind of shaken up, drinking a god damned beer (ok, a delicious and comforting beer), waiting for the claims adjuster to call so that I can get my going-forward instructions. Oh joy.
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Trying to catch up on internet land.

I've been watching a lot of Craig Ferguson.
I have a huge burn on my arm.
I've been cooking a lot.
My hands are very cold, which is good because they act like ice packs for my arm.
The place smells like maple ham.
I'm trying not to eat a whole ham for no good reason.
I've been sick for two weeks, but now I'm better.
(Hopefully) Final HIV test tomorrow.
Sorry internets, plastic guitar calls.

I didn't think I could be that nervous about a hockey game.

It is indeed
A slight pause, a small grin, a subtle shrug, and "Sure, why not?"

This is how I taunt the gods.

I spent the weekend in Niagara.

I have to admit, I put on a brave face before I left, because I didn't want anyone to know that I was kind of (ok, pretty) nervous about going down there for the whole weekend by myself.


Holy shit! I had so many great wines, and so much fantastic food! I had the (mostly) undivided attention of people who are super knowledgable and ultra passionate about what they do. This is the third year I've gone to this event and without question I had the best time ever.

Oh MAN I had a BLAST!!!
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This weekend I had this recurring dream; for whatever reason, scientists had built mechanical human cells. These cells were injected into the test subjects (all humans) and basically worked with the real human cells to fix whatever the fuck was wrong with their insides.

Sweet. No need for surgery anymore!

Except. The scientists couldn't quite figure out what the injected cells did after they finished their original tasks. There were hints that maybe they just swirled around and just sort of acted like normal cells until they died off, but there were also hints that they could keep reproducing and possibly replace all of the body's existing cells.

Which meant, essentially, that you could turn into a robot, but no one would be able to tell.

Skynet is on its way folks.
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"Laugh" and the world laughs "with" you
Today I had to explain to a grown man difference between:

After you fill out all forms...


After you fill out "all" forms...


The actual conversation is just too painful to remember (and too long to fucking type out), so here is the conversation that happened in my head:

amazon: You need to take the quotes off "all"
man: But it adds emphasis!
amazon: Only if you want that emphasis to be irony.

English, it cries.

Work work work
I'm working from home today, which is great because it is way quieter and I'm able to do my thinking work more efficiently, but.


My Rock Band guitar is sitting there, calling to me. Just a little bit... no one will know... come on..

Must resist



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